Get To Know: Erik Giezen

This installment of Get To Know profiles yet another suburban warrior who plays a semi large role amongst the revolving cast of characters that inhabit our inebriated conquests.

HotClique is proud to present:

Sauced as Fuck: The Life of The Toothless One

The name on his drivers’ license is Erik Giezen. You might know him as egiezen, tooth, toothless, saucy, no teeth, no tooth, or etooth. Or you might know him from his trademark squinty eyes, zombie like dance moves and malt liquor breath. Either way, if you’ve ever partied in Deep Cove you most likely have heard of him or his brothers. The Giezen boys are a dynasty. Let’s meet the middle one.

Erik got kicked out of our high school in grade ten for throwing an orange out of a school bus and hitting another car. He did some hard time at Windsor and then a military school back east. Today is Sunday and we’ve both woken up. Erik mentions he was supposed to work two hours ago, cracks a Black Label Supreme and grabs a two day old slice of pizza. We depart.

Twenty minutes later I rendezvous with him at Joes house. Since it’s Sunday we’re drinking coffee, smoking and discussing the weekends exploits. Nothing too eventful. MTV and kimchi bow noodle are turned to.

Dave: Erik. For the record, what is your current address?
Erik: Yo Joe what’s the address of this place? Yeah, I don’t know. Next question.
D: MTV? Fucking trash. What is your preference?
E: Laguna Beach and Maui Fever probably.
D: Why?
E: Why? What? Have you ever seen it? Cuties and shit man…. Next question.
D: If you could be an animal...?
E: Squirrel. Next question.
D: Last night?
E: Remember nothing. I was trying to wheel [name omitted] with card tricks. Then I woke up at a redheads.
D: Current employment?
E: College Pro. Next, lets go.
D: Longest time at a job?
E: Uhh. Three months I think? Next.
D: Why can’t you hold it down?
E: Gotta switch it up? Usually I quit, just leave to go get wasted with buddies.
D: Where do you see yourself in a year?
E: With an address.
D: Grossest slay?
E: [name omitted] fucked her titties, which was kinda cool. When I was fucking her titties she kept doing this (sticks out tongue and makes weird motion complete with bizarre sound effects)
D: You think you’re ever going to escape the cove?
E: Yeah I’ll get on Maui Fever. They’ll make a reality show out of me called life of the toothless one. It would be a hit.
D: How did you lose that tooth anyways?
E: Peeg, back in the day. Danny Campz was there and Joe was there. I was biking around near the three set and all of a sudden I see this naked chick – no shit, ask Joe. Next thing I know my face was in the cement.
D: Why was she naked?
E: Fuck I dunno I just woke up in the hospital missing a tooth.
D: Shit. Girls seem to be drawn to you Erik. Can you explain this? What do you think your attractive qualities are?
E: Great guy. Nice to hang out with. I’d do ass to mouth no questions asked.

I’m boiling things up for the final questions here. Trying to compare Erik’s psyche to that of Tellys, the main character of the film Kids and I’m dropping all sorts of shit about legacies, burning yourself into the dark recesses of a chicks memory and stuff. Maybe that’s what fuels Eriks sexual tirades. Okay, what do you want your legacy to be?

E: Fuck bitches? I don’t know what to say. This question is wack. Write that down.